The Bogeyman Will Get You

A bogeyman is a real or imaginary figure used by adults as a threat to coerce children into good behavior.

Everywhere we look we’re confronted by bogeymen. The problem is we’re not children who need to be scared.

For example:

Lou Dobbs tells us that we’ve got illegal immigrant bogeymen on every street corner who are responsible for all evil in the world.

Keith Olbermann tells us that the real bogeyman is George Bush, who is responsible for all evil in the world.

Paul Krugman tells us that corporate bogeymen are responsible for all evil in the world.

Bill O’Reilly tells us that anti-religion secularists are bogeymen trying to kill Christmas and are responsible for all evil in the world.

The Internet is an uncontrolled global bogeyman responsible for all evil in the world.

Abortion is the real bogeyman. No, gambling is the real bogeyman. No, free trade is the real bogeyman. No, it’s global warming, Muslims, Americans, steroids, politicians, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

And the real real one? Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda is the honest-to-God realest bogeyman. Al Qaeda killed Benazir Bhutto. Al Qaeda makes us take our shoes off in airports. Al Qaeda wants to blow us up and poison our drinking water and destroy Christianity, all at 10 tomorrow morning. It’s even possible Al Qaeda is responsible for that tiger getting out of the San Francisco Zoo.

Al Qaeda is the bogeyman responsible for all the evil in the world.

I know a sure way to save civilization. Ban all bogeymen. Ban ‘em and banish’em and do very bad things to the Bogeyman Pimps who are trying to scare us with these things.

Now that’s what I call a New Year’s Resolution worth making.